What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 07:26
Who then, do I blame.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
What is truer than that which is true?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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Put me off passion for life!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Is it just me, or do we all hate Sasuke from Naruto?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What did i know ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Is heroin really as good as people say it is?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But, we were locked up after school.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was very sick at this time too.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Would this be the day?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She loved him until the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Was to survive, this bastard.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She married twice! .
He knew the spot.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It was going to be , some day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Comes on , in middle age.
My family never makes their pension either.
I waited trembling.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is soul school!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She found it foreign!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were not on the streets..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
When she asked me how she looked .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I think the readers, may guess!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I said to her
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
I have no regrets .
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it wasn’t much.
My life is so biszare .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So whats the point in blame.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im still living with it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We all went to grammer schools
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I write beautiful poetry .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.